Anger

"What's wrong? What are you sad about? Why are you angry?"For a very long time I've held a deep rooted anger, but I didn't know where it stemmed from or what was keeping it there. I've been sad, very sad and very angry. In therapy I'd be asked to talk about what the eating disorder... Continue Reading →

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Trust, it must be earnt

It has been mentioned, ‘complained’ that I flinch. “Why do you flinch so much when I unexpectedly go to hug you?” “Why don’t you trust me?” “Why do you need reassurance so much?” “You don’t believe me, do you?” No, the truth is I don’t. I don’t trust but because when I have, that trust... Continue Reading →

Time Capsule

A lot of things have shifted. That's what happens with time. We are always growing older. Always adapting to the world and people around us. We have to learn new things and change habits, which is especially the case if you have an eating disorder. For the past month I have been having a difficult... Continue Reading →

False Security

Sometimes I think that anorexia is my sixth sense.I somehow know when things are going wrong. I anticipate catastrophe and so far, that anticipation hasn't been unjustified. That fence, safety barrier. That I was told to steadily dismantle. All too often, and yet again, gets knocked back into place. Defences up, you cannot trust anyone.... Continue Reading →

Let’s Talk

On a weekly basis go to therapy for an hour. I sit in a cosy room with a therapist and she encourages me to talk. Simple. No. I've been having therapy with her since late last year and it took a good few sessions for me to really start opening up to her. In fact,... Continue Reading →

Being open

I've found it far easier to be open via writing, than telling anybody what is going on in my head. What I'm feeling, how I took/understood something that happened or was said. As much as I can get it down on paper, having to say -in the moment- what I'm feeling and thinking, can be... Continue Reading →

What are you Not saying?

My therapist, what a brilliant therapist she is, said to me "The eating disorder, for you and so many others, became the only way you felt you could communicate." That rings so true. And that way of 'communicating' has stuck with me. The trouble is, now I don't know how to communicate without 'using' the... Continue Reading →

Anxiety

You get nervous going into an exam. Your heart starts beating 10x faster when approaching a roller-coaster. Going on a first date, feeling sick with nerves isn't unknown to happen. Deep breaths, hold your nerve and be brave. The advice isn't silly. Anxiety makes me second guess near enough everything, but especially my worth and... Continue Reading →

Expectation/Reality

What we expect from almost anything in life, versus the reality, is generally very very different. Somethings we may find out are just as scary, difficult or fantastic as we expect, or were told to expect. Therefore the expectation was right. Sometimes we expect an experience to be brilliant, hyped it up in our minds... Continue Reading →

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